Conan the Barbarian, Insidious, and Portal: No Escape

Entertainment:

On Conan the Barbarian

      Arnold Schwarzenegger was not in this film, and that was definitely a good thing. Let me start over. Conan the Barbarian is a film about a barbarian who takes it upon himself to slay the ruler who killed his father. The film was directed by Marcus Nispel, who is known for his travesties Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (both remakes associated with Michael Bay). This film was actually fun to watch. What I didn't enjoy was having to pay 1.50+ extra to see the film in 3d. At some points during the film, I removed my glasses and was able to watch without any blurring from the 3d effect. So, this is yet another money grubbing ploy from Lionsgate Films to push a gimmicky technology onto me. If you are going to charge for a 3d film, please shoot it in 3d. Story wise, the film was okay. The presentation was better than the actual plot. The actors also kind of dragged the film down. The only upside was the gratuitous female nudity and hard hitting violence. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. That's really the only reason I went to see it. No, that is a joke. I didn't expect the film to be Oscar worthy, and overall I had a good time watching it. I would recommend this film for older adult males who don't want to think too much. You get what you pay for (as long as you don't expect great 3d) and shouldn't expect more than your average sword slinging action film. Conan the Barbarian gets a 3/5.

On Insidious
      

      Oh the horror genre. I would like to point out a fact that everyone may not know, or simply chooses to ignore. I have a love hate relationship with horror films. This stems from the fact that most horror films are merely jump fests with nothing more scary than a sound or a head popping out of the darkness. This is not actually scary, just startling. If you are a theater and the film is quite for a second, expect something soon to pop out at you to warrant a scream. There are two types of horror films: jump fests and creep fests. The jump fests are described above. Creep fests are well written horror movies that make your mind do the work. What is on screen may not necessarily be scary, but your brain begins to perceive ways in which they are. The best example of this involve clowns. Clowns are supposed to be nice, but It by Stephen King made everyone wonder about clowns. Regardless, I enjoy creep fest horror movies. Insidious would be described as a little bit of both.

      The director of Insidious, James Wan is known for his work on the Saw films. He seems to have a knack for creepy camera work, and knows how to reveal things without necessarily having dialogue. This film was a bit different from his normal gore fest, as there was very little blood or torture on screen. The true torture was watching this film with the lights out. Something about the pacing of the movie gets under your skin. The story revolves around a young child who goes into a coma, and doctors cant seem to bring him back. As the story progresses, ill shit begins to happen. These events are portrayed quietly at first. The occasional moved item, an image in a mirror, disembodied voices, etc. I was reminded of my first viewing of the Sixth Sense, which invoked terror. Then, everything escalates. The family moves, but the darkness follows. Then, the director did something that was totally unexpected. I thought the child would have been simply possessed. He throws in something that almost turns the film into a sci-fi horror movie. The sci-fi aspect suddenly made the film less scary. I would have to say that I enjoyed the terror this film induced, but only because I was with friends. I don't think I would have comfortably watched this film alone. The moments involving the entities were scare moments in a jump fest, but the pacing and writing was more creep fest oriented. The acting was good, and very believable at times. Insidious was definitely a roller coaster ride of a horror film, but it also had a brain where it counted most. I give Insidious a 4/5.

On Portal: No Escape

      First off, if you haven't heard about Portal, then you are missing out. This is a video game designed around the concept that you are able to shoot portals that connect to one another. Sound simple? Now, throw in a maniacal AI, mind bending puzzles, and cake. This short film caught my eye because it wasn't the usual run of the mill fanfare. A serious director, Daniel Trachtenberg, made a short film entitled Portal: No Escape (video linked). It is a live action short starring actress Danielle Rayne as she wakes up to find herself in a facility. From there, the film quickly escalates to a bitter end. I would have to say that for four minutes of film and no dialogue this is a pretty good film. The internet has been abuzz after its release hoping that it will spawn a live action film similar to Neill Blomkamp's Alive in Joburg spawned District 9. We will see, but as it stands alone I would give this film a 5/5. The creativity factor is very high for future shorts, and I hope to see more.

Esquire and Rise of The Planet of the Apes

Literature

On Esquire Magazine

       Okay, so some of you may not think that Esquire should even go under literature. I agree with you about fifty percent of the time. Recently, I acquired a subscription to Esquire through Coke rewards for free. I was rushed to redeem my points for a magazine subscription, so I redeemed Esquire by accident thinking it was GQ magazine. Here I am reading Esquire, and some of the articles don't seem like liberal shit. It's good that this magazine isn't like Popular Mechanics or Wired when it comes to openly embracing the liberal agenda. Fair and balanced seems to only be accessible by Fox News. Most articles I read tried to be fair, until I got to the very end of the magazine. Here is where this mother fucker, Charles P. Pierce, begins his rant on how America is a country of terrorists. Here is the article if you choose to read it: Homegrown Terrorism. The beginning of the article was interesting. It was well written and told a pretty harrowing story. Then, after the writer had you hooked he started spewing his liberal shit filled agenda. It was like watching the Matrix Reloaded and listening to the droning adjective filled explanation of the Matrix's creation. Needless to say I lost interest when I realized that this man had no idea what he was talking about. His article was just a soapbox for his ignorant and downright baseless claims. Let Mr. Pierce shove these claims up his ass so we can better understand this. Because of his article, I will do what I should have done before opening Esquire: deposit it safely in the garbage and count myself lucky the subscription was free. I give Esquire magazine a 2/5.

Entertainment

On Rise of the Planet of the Apes

      This previous weekend I ventured to see Rise of the Plant of the Apes. I did this out of boredom, and didn't expect to enjoy this film. From the beginning, the movie seemed to be trying to push an agenda when it comes to experimentation on animals. This undertone flows throughout the entire film, but it didn't make the film a unwatchable liberal piece of shit. The main attraction in this film seemed to be the motion capture used on the film's main character Caesar. Caesar is a chimp in the film, and is played via motion capture by Andy Serkis. Serkis provided the motion capture for Golem in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy as well as the motion capture for King Kong in Peter Jackson's 2005 adaptation. During the parts following Caesar, there is very little dialogue. It is almost like a silent film for ten or so minutes. Serkis is the best actor in this film. He seems to be able to capture the movements of a chimp perfectly. You can actually see Caesar as a real character and can relate to his struggles. Actor James Franco is also one of the main actors in this film, but I wouldn't call his acting awesome. He seems to have picked this film up to pay for a car or something. It would have been interesting without him. Overall, meticulous film making provides us with a plausible reason for how Apes might rise. For that, I give Rise of the Planet of the Apes a 4/5. Here is hoping the next film will be just as good or better.

The Dark Tower, Cowboys and Aliens/ Captain America, and London Riots

 Literature
On The Dark Tower

      So a few days ago I finished Stephen King's The Dark Tower. I began the journey through Stephen King's magnum opus around September of 2010. It has been a long and harrowing journey for the main characters of this series, and I don't regret taking the journey even after the shocker of an ending. Don't worry, I wont ruin it. Now that it's over I can breathe a sigh of relief. No more guessing about what will happen next. Stephen King is good at bringing forth new ideas, but allowing them to come to a natural and rightful end is difficult for him. 

      That is by no means an excuse. If I were to rate the falling action of the Dark Tower, I wouldn't rate it that high. He seemed to want the book to end so quickly that he just started making things happen. At one point in the novel before the last 100 pages he mentions a Deus ex machina. Later I realized that he employed that very literary device as the Greeks would in their plays. As you will see in the coming months, I will rate all of the things I review on a 1 to 5 scale (1 being poor, 5 being excellent). The Dark Tower was a great book in the beginning, picked up quickly in the middle, and almost lost steam at the end. For this, I give Stephen King's The Dark Tower a 4/5.

Entertainment
On Cowboys And Aliens

      I have to admit that I wasn't completely stoked for Jon Favreau's (Director of Iron Man 1 and 2)  Cowboys and Aliens. It seemed like it might be an entertaining film, but it wasn't worthy of opening day viewing. A friend and I went to view the film this past weekend. The film started off interestingly enough, and the cinematography was very good. Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig acted well in this film, but the story didnt hold up to high standards. I'm not here to rehash the entire story, but needless to say some townspeople are abducted by aliens. Craig and Ford head off on a journey to find their people. Along the way they fight some aliens. It sounds pretty straight forward. Craig has a weapon on his arm that gives them a fighting chance. The story from this point gets a little convoluted. There was a whole lot of unneeded machismo. Ford's character was probably one of the most memorable, and I wish he had been the main character. It is hard to see Craig as anyone other than rogue off the reservation James Bond. He does his thing and the movie comes to a sluggish end. Yay! I was kind of happy the film ended, because I was ready to leave. As you may have gauged, Cowboys and Aliens could have been great but got hung up on poor writing. The main character was played by someone who just didn't fit the part. Overall Cowboys and Aliens gets a 2/5.  

On Captain America

      God Bless America! It is finally good to see a film that honors America in a non-politically motivated way. Okay, so maybe the film wasn't awesome, but it had the right message. Captain America: The First Avenger follows the story of Steve Rogers as he is enlisted to be part of a super soldier project. That is a very vague description, but it is as far as I wish to go without ruining it for you. The main character, Steve Rogers, is played by actor Chris Evans. Evans is best known for his obnoxious portrayal of Johnny Storm in The Fantastic Four film adaptation. In this film, he seems to be having a good time with the role. Good for him. I knew very little about Captain America, and I still don't know enough to write a biography on the fictional character. The main attraction to this film for myself was Agent Smith erherm I mean Hugo Weaving's portrayal of The Red Skull. Weaving was byfar the most interesting character. I also didnt mind looking at Hayley Atwell for long periods of time either. The story was pretty straight forward. Stop the bad guy, save the world. Throw in a little bit of history (World War II, Nazis, Secret Weapons) and you had a pretty good time. The fact that Hugo Weaving was in this film as a Nazi baddie was a plus. The story was really just a vehicle to get to my favorite part of the Marvel universe, The Avengers. Stay after the credits for a trailer of The Avengers coming July 2012. The film's direction was helmed by Joe Johnston which was responsible for the 2010 atrocity that goes by the name The Wolfman. I will not provide a link for fear that you may become interested and find the movie to watch somewhere. He seemed to redeem himself with Captain America, but only because of the heavy pro-American sentiments portrayed throughout. For this I give Captain America: The First Avenger a 3/5.

Current Events

On the London Riots

  What is world news without a little rioting every now and then? As I write this, the streets of London are calming down a bit, but the past few days have been eventful for our friends across the pond. In an article on Sfgate.com the prime minister, David Cameron, claims that the, "order would be restored by whatever means necessary." The riots started during a peaceful vigil of the death of one local man.  From then, all hell broke loose in Birmingham resulting in the death of  three local men.. The link enclosed contains a detailed blow by blow of the rioting as it occurred. What do I think about rioting? Well, for starters I feel sorry for the businesses that were damaged during the craziness. Starting and maintaining a business in America is hard. Starting a business in England is even harder with strict government regulations. Rioters looted many stores and shops. 

        Great support for your countrymen rioters. Just because your friend was shot by police during a shootout doesn't mean you should destroy property that hardworking people use to make their living. To me rioting is selfish. If I were to rate the rioters on their stupidity I would give them a 5/5. They were completely stupid and should have directed their anger towards the internet to speak out on their displeasure. That way, no one would be injured or have property destroyed. Hopefully England will get back to business as usual, and the people who have had their property destroyed will be able to rebuild before another group of people find something else to riot about.

Sincerely Yours,
Mr. X 

Introductions and whatnot

Dear First Readers,

It is so very nice to meet you. My name is Trey. You may wonder why I chose the name Mr. X. I did this because I could be anyone. My ideas are my own, but anyone in the world could share them. This may not make sense, but it might in due time. I hope that you will tune in each week as I review three things. These three things include the following: Current Events, Magazines (or any type of literature I have read), and Television (or any DVD I have just obtained). 

I will review things that I have experienced the previous week. They will fall into those three categories. Hopefully my ideas on whatever I review give you a good idea of whether or not you would like that product (in the case of magazines, do you wish to subscribe?). In the case of current events, maybe I can provide information you may not have known. In the case of television, I may save you the trouble of programming your DVR to watch a crummy program. In all of this, I wish to save you trouble.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. X