Conan the Barbarian, Insidious, and Portal: No Escape

Entertainment:

On Conan the Barbarian

      Arnold Schwarzenegger was not in this film, and that was definitely a good thing. Let me start over. Conan the Barbarian is a film about a barbarian who takes it upon himself to slay the ruler who killed his father. The film was directed by Marcus Nispel, who is known for his travesties Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (both remakes associated with Michael Bay). This film was actually fun to watch. What I didn't enjoy was having to pay 1.50+ extra to see the film in 3d. At some points during the film, I removed my glasses and was able to watch without any blurring from the 3d effect. So, this is yet another money grubbing ploy from Lionsgate Films to push a gimmicky technology onto me. If you are going to charge for a 3d film, please shoot it in 3d. Story wise, the film was okay. The presentation was better than the actual plot. The actors also kind of dragged the film down. The only upside was the gratuitous female nudity and hard hitting violence. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. That's really the only reason I went to see it. No, that is a joke. I didn't expect the film to be Oscar worthy, and overall I had a good time watching it. I would recommend this film for older adult males who don't want to think too much. You get what you pay for (as long as you don't expect great 3d) and shouldn't expect more than your average sword slinging action film. Conan the Barbarian gets a 3/5.

On Insidious
      

      Oh the horror genre. I would like to point out a fact that everyone may not know, or simply chooses to ignore. I have a love hate relationship with horror films. This stems from the fact that most horror films are merely jump fests with nothing more scary than a sound or a head popping out of the darkness. This is not actually scary, just startling. If you are a theater and the film is quite for a second, expect something soon to pop out at you to warrant a scream. There are two types of horror films: jump fests and creep fests. The jump fests are described above. Creep fests are well written horror movies that make your mind do the work. What is on screen may not necessarily be scary, but your brain begins to perceive ways in which they are. The best example of this involve clowns. Clowns are supposed to be nice, but It by Stephen King made everyone wonder about clowns. Regardless, I enjoy creep fest horror movies. Insidious would be described as a little bit of both.

      The director of Insidious, James Wan is known for his work on the Saw films. He seems to have a knack for creepy camera work, and knows how to reveal things without necessarily having dialogue. This film was a bit different from his normal gore fest, as there was very little blood or torture on screen. The true torture was watching this film with the lights out. Something about the pacing of the movie gets under your skin. The story revolves around a young child who goes into a coma, and doctors cant seem to bring him back. As the story progresses, ill shit begins to happen. These events are portrayed quietly at first. The occasional moved item, an image in a mirror, disembodied voices, etc. I was reminded of my first viewing of the Sixth Sense, which invoked terror. Then, everything escalates. The family moves, but the darkness follows. Then, the director did something that was totally unexpected. I thought the child would have been simply possessed. He throws in something that almost turns the film into a sci-fi horror movie. The sci-fi aspect suddenly made the film less scary. I would have to say that I enjoyed the terror this film induced, but only because I was with friends. I don't think I would have comfortably watched this film alone. The moments involving the entities were scare moments in a jump fest, but the pacing and writing was more creep fest oriented. The acting was good, and very believable at times. Insidious was definitely a roller coaster ride of a horror film, but it also had a brain where it counted most. I give Insidious a 4/5.

On Portal: No Escape

      First off, if you haven't heard about Portal, then you are missing out. This is a video game designed around the concept that you are able to shoot portals that connect to one another. Sound simple? Now, throw in a maniacal AI, mind bending puzzles, and cake. This short film caught my eye because it wasn't the usual run of the mill fanfare. A serious director, Daniel Trachtenberg, made a short film entitled Portal: No Escape (video linked). It is a live action short starring actress Danielle Rayne as she wakes up to find herself in a facility. From there, the film quickly escalates to a bitter end. I would have to say that for four minutes of film and no dialogue this is a pretty good film. The internet has been abuzz after its release hoping that it will spawn a live action film similar to Neill Blomkamp's Alive in Joburg spawned District 9. We will see, but as it stands alone I would give this film a 5/5. The creativity factor is very high for future shorts, and I hope to see more.